Understanding Autism: Always the Odd One Out
I have always felt that being the odd one out has been a problem. But I am not so sure any more.
I hated PE lessons at school. I was always lacking in strength, speed, and coordination, so it mattered little what activity we did – I would be very bad at it. Schools, of course, are merciless places. My humiliation in the moment was never enough. It would be replayed among my fellow pupils for hours, days, or even weeks, depending on just how big a fool I had made of myself this time.
But there was one way that the lesson I already hated could get even worse. When the instruction came to pick teams. Naturally, the most sporting members of the class were almost always picked as captains and proceeded to choose their equally talented mates for their teams. In short order, the usual 3 or 4 of us that nobody wanted on their team were left listening to the others discuss which of us was the least bad option. Fifty years later, I still feel the shame.
Things did get a little better in my teens, as I was tall, which had some advantages in rugby, but I was never going to be an athlete. I will never forget the dread I felt before those lessons and the repeated humiliation of always being the team member nobody wanted.
Sadly, in my adult life and particularly at work, I found that things were much the same. I am rarely picked for anything, regardless of my ability. Instead, I have always been the outcast, passed over for a more palatable option and left upset and bewildered about when my turn will come.
The problem is that those of us who are different, on the outside of the mainstream, who do not tick the intangible boxes of someone who gets on well with others and “plays the game”, whatever that means, only get our turns when we create them for ourselves. When we make ourselves so indispensable and expert at what we do that there are major drawbacks to picking somebody else. By creating a niche where we are the go-to person, even if people would prefer to deal with somebody a bit more like them. By running our own show when we don’t fit in with anyone else’s.
Most people prefer others to be like them in as many respects as possible. Yes, a token splash of originality, perhaps some unusual coloured hair or a small tattoo, is acceptable, but overall, they like people who are as predictably mainstream as they are. People who are different are a threat and best avoided. They certainly don’t want us on their teams or in positions of responsibility. After all, we might want to change things from the equilibrium that has served them so well for so long.
The trouble is, the old, steady-as-she-goes, stick-to-what-we-know approach is now failing spectacularly. The way forward is to embrace difference, new approaches, and fresh ideas. More of the same will just take us closer and closer to oblivion. I am not talking about those who claim to be outsiders but are actually just the status quo in a different-coloured suit. I mean people with big ideas, ready to challenge the idea of doing things this way just because we always have, and willing to go back to valuing people for who they are rather than seeing us as numbers on a spreadsheet or problems to be solved. To stop viewing people as round pegs to be fit into square holes, no matter how hard you have to hit them with a hammer to do so, but instead to value their roundness and see how it can help. People whose brains work differently, and who are not afraid to ask difficult questions. People who are always the odd ones out.
Change does not come through tiny, safe steps. It comes from bold new visions and questioning everything. It comes from treating every single person with the dignity and respect that they deserve. From seeing people who are hugely different from ourselves as a source of learning and ideas rather than a threat. From working together instead of against each other for our own selfish gain.
Being the odd one out can still be deeply uncomfortable for me. But more and more these days, I feel glad not to be a part of much of what I see happening around me. If we want the future to be different, we must value difference in the future.