Understanding Autism: How Waiting Steals My Day

How fixed plans can quietly take over an autistic mind

Photo by Levi Meir Clancy on Unsplash

I went on a mystery holiday recently. All I knew were the flight times and some clues about my destination, which turned out to be Croatia. I had a great time, and all the detailed arrangements made on my behalf worked really well. But there was one detail which I will definitely change on future trips that I book for myself.

It was only a two-night break, so they had booked me a flight back that departed at 9 pm, giving me most of the final day at my destination. This probably works well for lots of people, who will happily carry on doing all sorts of things before going to the airport in the early evening. But it did not work for my autistic brain at all. I saw the problem coming, so I booked a walking tour for the late morning to ensure I would use at least some of the time. But once I had finished that, exactly what I had expected to happen hit me. I went into waiting mode and spent many hours doing very little while anxiously checking that I would not be late for my flight. In the end, I got to the airport hours too early and spent time sitting in the departure lounge when I could have been doing something much more fun. But my brain would not allow that.

I have always looked on in awe at work when people have to be reminded that it is time for a planned meeting because they are deep in a flow state on their work. That would be impossible for me. If I have a meeting at 10.30, doing anything very meaningful beforehand will be a struggle because I know I will have to stop later, and I don’t want to be late. Even when the timed event is late in the day, like my flight, I will spend most of my energy actively waiting for it rather than using the time more productively.

Any fixed appointment can paralyse me for hours in advance. I can only think about what I have to do or where I have to go later, rather than focusing on something else while I wait. It is one of many reasons that I struggle with the culture of constant meetings at work if I have short calls on my calendar at 10.00, 11.30, and 2.30, that effectively knocks out the whole day for me, even if the calls themselves take less than 30 minutes in total.

I suspect that if your brain does not face this issue, then this feels very strange. Why can I not apply simple logic and recognise that when I have to do something in 6 hours, then I can do what I like for the next 5 hours and then get ready? My brain does not see it like that at all. That single timed appointment becomes an all-consuming behemoth in my head. How can I possibly focus on anything else while I am waiting for that?

It does not even matter what the scheduled event is. It can be something pleasant that I am looking forward to, and I will be incapable of anything useful until I get to it. It means that, wherever possible, I book travel and other appointments as early in the day as possible to minimise the time I know I will waste waiting.

It is almost as bad when I have several tasks to do in a day, even if they do not have specific times attached. I am incapable of doing anything other than getting them all done as fast as possible first thing in the morning. It is beyond me how people can know that they need to go shopping, for example, have nothing else on that day, but don’t get around to going out until late afternoon. How is that future task not pressing on your head like a 10-tonne weight until you have done it?!

Next time I travel, I will definitely be booking my flights for early morning. As long as I have my alarm set, I have no problem sleeping before an appointment. It is when I am awake that the trouble starts. I don’t like wasting so much time waiting for things, but I seem to have little control over it. My brain sees a future engagement and immediately disengages. I have been this way for so long that it is a case of working with it rather than fighting it. But it is a difference that I suspect that many people do not even know exists!